The question I’m suddenly wondering about is whether or not one of the main reasons why people are alone is because what they actually fear isn’t intimacy, but about sex.

It’s a fascinating question, because when you think about it, almost every intimate relationship is going to have a sexual objective.

As the sex drive is so strong, it’s hard to evade the impulse to want sex, and in general for most of us, that’s achieved through an intimate relationship.

It stands to reason, therefore, that the thought of getting into a relationship with someone of the opposite sex may be threatening because of the hint of sex. The expectation to engage in lovemaking lies in any relationship that involves dating, intimacy or connection.

People who are fearful of sex may simply never try to establish a relationship in the first place. Now I know that there are other reasons why people are not in a relationship — anxiety, lack of trust, emotional damage from the past, and so on. (See https://www.exploringtheshadow.co.uk for more on this.) They’re all perfectly plausible reasons. I can understand why somebody who fears rejection might think that it is more desirable never to be rejected them to go through the pain of it.

However, I’m also wondering if many people who don’t get into a relationship, don’t get into a relationship because they’re frightened of sex. How would one know? I found this interesting website which talks about fear of commitment, which is to say the fear of becoming involved or indeed remaining in a relationship.

And as we know, commitment phobia is one of the most common phobias that people have about their relationships.

Now this website claims that both men and women can develop a fear of commitment, because past experiences are so impactful on how we behave in present day.

I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it, that children raised in an environment where their parents or carers show little or no commitment to their well-being, they will be emotionally wounded?

Where there is little or no emotional connection or love, then those children in turn are going to have a problem displaying commitment in later life. I think the reason here is that the pain of attachment, or more accurately the pain of the loss that is expected once attachment has occurred, is simply so great that it seems more protective to oneself never to become attached in the first place.

So yes, it may well be that someone who has a fear of commitment is showing no symptoms not because of what has happened in the past, but because of what they fear may happen if they become engaged or attached to another person.

It’s also true that in cases like this, there is often a vicious circle of expectation and reality playing itself out, fueled by worry and anxiety.

The only answer for this is that somebody has a fear of commitment has to make the commitment to change. How ironic! But this doesn’t need to be thought of as a commitment to anybody else other than oneself.

It can be seen as a decision, a statement of intent, a clear and precise decision to do things differently in the past because the way you’re living in the present is not acceptable. This is an aspect of what we can all the heart centred leader archetype within.

So for example, if your fear of commitment or being in a relationship is due to sex, then you need to work on your lover archetype. Work on it, that is, with shadow work.  Preferably with a trained shadow work facilitator.

I’ve seen many men in my practice who have used such approaches to becoming much more confident with women, to the point where they can establish a relationship of their own.

Fear of Sex May Be Based On Past (Bad) Experiences

Sometimes, sexual fears are down to problems like premature or delayed ejaculation, particularly if a man has been ridiculed for his sexual performance by a partner who was expecting to have an enjoyable sexual experience and was insensitive to his feelings.

Here are some other reasons why people may be afraid of commitment:

• the fear of loss of personal freedom,
• the fear that being with one person for the rest of their life may be limiting,
• the inability to trust,
• the feeling that you’re not ready for a relationship,
• a sense of insecurity which is caused by previous relationships that damages self-esteem,
• emotional baggage from previous relationships, perceived loss that is associated with a relationship, such as loss of free time,
• and finally no desire for compromising one’s own lifestyle.

You might wonder what symptoms there are around fear of commitment. How about: lashing out at your partner, behaving critically towards them, a fear of being consumed by others, which is in actual fact an inability to maintain your own boundaries adequately, or fear about being seen by a person with whom you start a relationship. Boundaries are an aspect of the warrior archetype.

Other problems include

• having unrealistic beliefs and expectations around the relationship,
• forming long-distance romances to avoid intimacy and connection (this is a very common and safe way of forming a relationship)
• and maintaining yourself as unavailable within an affair or relationship
• feeling a lack of safety with someone else.

Others: being indecisive about forming a relationship, and many others, some of which you’ll be able to think of yourself, but perhaps the most interesting is when somebody has a fear of any type of commitment, and is unable to commit himself to doing anything –  keeping a job down, record keeping, keeping friendships, running a reasonable life – anything, in fact, that resembles a commitment can send them into anxiety and panic. Such lack of commitment speaks of a low level of sovereign energy.

So how would you overcome a fear of commitment?

Well, you could first of all except that you need to make a change. Intention is everything. Second, give yourself a break, because anxiety is a problem, that really underlies all commitment issues and it can be difficult to deal with. Find some way of dealing with your anxiety effectively.

Get counselling or therapy if necessary, do whatever is necessary to understand yourself and your motivation is more clearly. Shadow work therapy is often very helpful.

And so what happens if you meet somebody who is afraid of commitment, or has a fear of sex?

My advice to you would frankly be to move on. After all, why you should you spend your time and effort healing someone else’s deep emotional wounds? If that seems a little heartless, and you really feel committed to an individual and want to help them, then my suggestion is that you open the lines of discussion. People with commitment issues are often schizoid personality types.

It takes time; time for healing the inner self is entirely understandable because commitment-phobes have trust issues. So it will take time, and you will have to be most accepting and understanding.

In doing that you may deprive yourself of the joy and pleasure of a relationship that you can dive into deeply very quickly. On the other hand, of course, there are great pleasures of watching somebody with whom you are sharing your life unfold as they engage in a personal process of self development.