We all want a wonderful sexual relationship
One of the wonderful things about intercourse is the union of mind and body that can come about when a couple are making love with an intimate heart to heart connection.
But one of the problems with an intimate heart to heart connection is that it’s not that easy to move beyond the techniques of sex when you’re concerned with whether or not your girl has an orgasm or how she’s feeling, or even if you are simply scared of making love.
And make no mistake about it, orgasm is a wonderful experience that can send the sexual energy surging through mind and body alike, passing around both partners’ bodies so that they achieve even greater spiritual union. This, in many ways, is the ultimate merging of two people into a unified whole. It involves the perceived loss of boundaries at the moment of orgasm.
But if you’re concerned with sex techniques that can bring this about, ironically you’re probably not in a frame of mind where the energy is just going to flow naturally, without inhibition.
What this means, therefore, is that you need a technique where you can actually make love to a partner without thinking about how you’re bringing her to orgasm, and just rely on the technique to make that happen while you enjoy intercourse.
Now you’ll observe that there are two corollaries to this. The first is that intimacy is something you are capable of enjoying. The second is that you have boundaries which are clear enough on a day to day basis to understand what it might be like to lose them. (And confident enough to engage so intimately with someone that you are wiling to take this chance.)
Exploring the shadow
Shadow work is a great way of exploring these profound issues of our humanity. Beyond the day to day manifestation of our personalities in the world lies a hidden area of the self: our shadow. this consists of the parts of ourselves which we hide, repress and deny. Mostly, we repress parts of ourselves due to some emotional wounding, which results in us hiding parts of ourselves out of sight. The best way to understand this is to think of the delicate, tender emotions of a child. So easily wounded, a child may come to adapt itself out of pain; the main aspects to such pain are the pain of rejection, the desire for acceptance, and the fear of not being loved.
But whatever parts of itself a child tucks away out of sight, they do not die. They go into shadow.
Shadow is the buzz word of modern psychology. We see all our fears and phobias as residing in shadow: that includes fear of intimacy. So a whole discipline of psychological therapy has grown up around the concept of shadow work. And those who practice it are shadow work facilitators.
So the question arises, as we move beyond the simple problem of fear of intimacy, or fear of being alone, or more accurately the fear of engaging with another human being in an intimate way….. “how can each of us most easily achieve intimate pleasure in an unpressured way?”
How, in other words, can we bond with another human being in the most intimate act of human union possible – sexual intercourse? The answer lies below.
The reality of sexual connection – the soul connection of sex
The coital alignment technique, or CAT, is a technique which relies on a different orientation of the male and the female body to that normally achieved during man on top or missionary position sex, oriented in such a way that the man’s penis moves in a more vertical direction than it would during conventional thrusting.
This up-and-down motion is actually a form of rocking on the pelvis of the woman, although she is rocking in synchrony with the man at the same time, so that the general area of her clitoris receives pressure from the man’s pubic area.
It’s this clitoral pressure rather than direct contact with the clitoris, (or direct contact between the penis and the G spot inside the vagina), that can bring a woman to orgasm during intercourse. Now, you might say, why not just manually stimulate the woman’s clitoris with your fingers as lovemaking proceeds conventionally?
And it’s very good question – I think in all the reviews of the coital alignment technique I’ve seen, or indeed on websites devoted to enabling men to last longer in bed, I’ve never seen that specific question asked or answered.
But for me there’s something very romantic about being able to embrace your lover fully with your arms around her, or perhaps with your hands holding her head while you kiss her gently as lovemaking proceeds.
It’s a step in the right direction – the right direction being the stimulation of her genitals during intercourse so that she reaches orgasm during intercourse without use of masturbation or finger stimulation.
Not everybody finds the coital alignment technique easy to use – that’s certainly true; but on the other hand, those who master it find it to be a passport to sexual bliss, great fun and fantastic lovemaking.
If you feel you’d like to investigate new techniques for lovemaking you can do so on the links provided above, but what I should emphasize is that no sexual technique in isolation is a passport to sexual bliss – what you need for sexual bliss is probably more about the heart-to-heart connection that I referred to above.
Those of us who are spiritually inclined are even more acutely aware of how difficult it is to bring our spiritual values, our hearts, and our genitals into harmony. I’d meditated and practiced yoga for nearly a dozen years, reports one woman, but somehow I couldn’t bring the same depth and presence to my lovemaking. It was so hard to open up and let go. Or, as one man puts it, No matter how much meditation I was doing, as soon as Id become sexual, Id become a different person. All the old conditioning and anxiety would come back about how a man is supposed to behave.
Ironically, many of us have glimpsed the possibility that lovemaking can be a gateway to a higher state of consciousness. We may have had peak moments in sex when all sense of separation fell away. Or we may simply have the intuition that our sexual longings have a higher purpose. As George Feuerstein points out in his book Sacred Sexuality, sexual love is the most intense and tangible way that ordinary men and women strive for a union that transcends the boundaries of our everyday experience.
What a heart-to-heart connection looks like is the opening of the soul to receive and trust the other person with whom you’re making love: that trust is about not wounding, not abusing, not exploiting, and about allowing the other person “to be”… Yes, just to be to be who they are, to be what they are, to have whatever feelings arise for them and so on.
This is a very generous and openhearted place from which to make love, and there’s no question that the best sex certainly tends to come from and openhearted place.