Category Archives: better relationships

better relationships, calming anxiety, Fear of being alone, Fear of intimacy, Fear of sex

Overcome Fear Of Sex

We all want a wonderful sexual relationship

One of the wonderful things about intercourse is the union of mind and body that can come about when a couple are making love with an intimate heart to heart connection.

But one of the problems with an intimate heart to heart connection is that it’s not that easy to move beyond the techniques of sex when you’re concerned with whether or not your girl has an orgasm or how she’s feeling, or even if you are simply scared of making love.

And make no mistake about it, orgasm is a wonderful experience that can send the sexual energy surging through mind and body alike, passing around both partners’ bodies so that they achieve even greater spiritual union. This, in many ways, is the ultimate merging of two people into a unified whole. It involves the perceived loss of boundaries at the moment of orgasm.

But if you’re concerned with sex techniques that can bring this about, ironically you’re probably not in a frame of mind where the energy is just going to flow naturally, without inhibition.

What this means, therefore, is that you need a technique where you can actually make love to a partner without thinking about how you’re bringing her to orgasm, and just rely on the technique to make that happen while you enjoy intercourse.

Now you’ll observe that there are two corollaries to this. The first is that intimacy is something you are capable of enjoying. The second is that you have boundaries which are clear enough on a day to day basis to understand what it might be like to lose them. (And confident enough to engage so intimately with someone that you are wiling to take this chance.)

Exploring the shadow

Shadow work is a great way of exploring these profound issues of our humanity. Beyond the day to day manifestation of our personalities in the world lies a hidden area of the self: our shadow. this consists of the parts of ourselves which we hide, repress and deny. Mostly, we repress parts of ourselves due to some emotional wounding, which results in us hiding parts of ourselves out of sight. The best way to understand this is to think of the delicate, tender emotions of a child. So easily wounded, a child may come to adapt itself out of pain; the main aspects to such pain are the pain of rejection, the desire for acceptance, and the fear of not being loved.

But whatever parts of itself a child tucks away out of sight, they do not die. They go into shadow.

Shadow is the buzz word of modern psychology. We see all our fears and phobias as residing in shadow: that includes fear of intimacy. So a whole discipline of psychological therapy has grown up around the concept of shadow work. And those who practice it are shadow work facilitators.

So the question arises, as we move beyond the simple problem of fear of intimacy, or fear of being alone, or more accurately the fear of engaging with another human being in an intimate way….. “how can each of us most easily achieve intimate pleasure in an unpressured way?”

How, in other words, can we bond with another human being in the most intimate act of human union possible – sexual intercourse? The answer lies below.

The reality of sexual connection – the soul connection of sex

The coital alignment technique, or CAT, is a technique which relies on a different orientation of the male and the female body to that normally achieved during man on top or missionary position sex, oriented in such a way that the man’s penis moves in a more vertical direction than it would during conventional thrusting.

This up-and-down motion is actually a form of rocking on the pelvis of the woman, although she is rocking in synchrony with the man at the same time, so that the general area of her clitoris receives pressure from the man’s pubic area.

It’s this clitoral pressure rather than direct contact with the clitoris, (or direct contact between the penis and the G spot inside the vagina), that can bring a woman to orgasm during intercourse. Now, you might say, why not just manually stimulate the woman’s clitoris with your fingers as lovemaking proceeds conventionally?

And it’s very good question – I think in all the reviews of the coital  alignment technique I’ve seen, or indeed on websites devoted to enabling men to last longer in bed, I’ve never seen that specific question asked or answered.

But for me there’s something very romantic about being able to embrace your lover fully with your arms around her, or perhaps with your hands holding her head while you kiss her gently as lovemaking proceeds.

It’s a step in the right direction – the right direction being the stimulation of her genitals during intercourse so that she reaches orgasm during intercourse without use of masturbation or finger stimulation.

Not everybody finds the coital alignment technique easy to use – that’s certainly true; but on the other hand, those who master it find it to be a passport to sexual bliss, great fun and fantastic lovemaking.

If you feel you’d like to investigate new techniques for lovemaking you can do so on the links provided above, but what I should emphasize is that no sexual technique in isolation is a passport to sexual bliss – what you need for sexual bliss is probably more about the heart-to-heart connection that I referred to above.

From Yoga magazine.

Those of us who are spiritually inclined are even more acutely aware of how difficult it is to bring our spiritual values, our hearts, and our genitals into harmony. I’d meditated and practiced yoga for nearly a dozen years, reports one woman, but somehow I couldn’t bring the same depth and presence to my lovemaking. It was so hard to open up and let go. Or, as one man puts it, No matter how much meditation I was doing, as soon as Id become sexual, Id become a different person. All the old conditioning and anxiety would come back about how a man is supposed to behave.

Ironically, many of us have glimpsed the possibility that lovemaking can be a gateway to a higher state of consciousness. We may have had peak moments in sex when all sense of separation fell away. Or we may simply have the intuition that our sexual longings have a higher purpose. As George Feuerstein points out in his book Sacred Sexuality, sexual love is the most intense and tangible way that ordinary men and women strive for a union that transcends the boundaries of our everyday experience.

What a heart-to-heart connection looks like is the opening of the soul to receive and trust the other person with whom you’re making love: that trust is about not wounding, not abusing, not exploiting, and about allowing the other person “to be”… Yes, just to be to be who they are, to be what they are, to have whatever feelings arise for them and so on.

This is a very generous and openhearted place from which to make love, and there’s no question that the best sex certainly tends to come from and openhearted place.

better relationships

For Men: Please A Woman In Bed and Have A Great Relationship

I guess if you’re going to write a blog post about what women want from men, one of the best places to go is a women’s forum where a woman can actually tell you!

So, accepting that one woman’s view is not necessarily any more reliable than one man’s view, but trusting that it might be so, I offer you this information about what might please a woman in bed.

What To Do To Please A Woman

And she’s not mincing words, either. Her article’s entitled “How to F**k a woman so she keeps coming back”. And I think it’s fair to say that the word “coming” in that sentence has a double meaning.

But you know, things start well. She makes the point that men do indeed have it difficult in a post feminist society. Women freak out about what appear to be insignificant issues. And they can be very picky.

But then again, of course, men often don’t behave honestly. Or at least, they don’t communicate honestly. So what this woman is saying is basically “be a man”. But what I don’t think she understands is that many of us don’t know how to be a man.

We are feminized, or we are raging, or we’re not sure even where our sexual interest lies – men or women. Maybe both.

So from a female perspective, where empathy with the male condition might be lacking, while intellectual understanding is certainly present, here’s her advice for men wanting to know how to please a woman in (or out) of bed.

1 A Man Really Does Need to Take Charge

Sure, not all women feel the same about this. Some of them will think that you’re being pushy. But most women like a man who takes charge in bed, but does it in a skilful way, so that sex moves forward easily and graciously.

Now admittedly, this woman’s got a thing about boys pretending to be men. And maybe she’s right, let’s face it: loads of men in the world today do behave like boys. And as she rightfully says, women want strong, confident, validated – i.e. self validated – powerful men who can “take them on a journey and not expect to follow her”. She also makes the point that women want men who can live life on their own terms, regardless of anyone else’s point of view.

Now if that all sounds a little bit macho to you, panic not. What she’s talking about are the core values of masculinity in its finest form: strength, loyalty, courage, commitment, the ability to express emotions and empathize, strength, certainty, and clear masculine identity. Among other things….

Do you have the power to make your woman feel this way?

If you don’t know how to get those things you don’t feel that you possess them, start reading, for example this might help, and so might this.

 2 Know Her Sexual Anatomy

Now you guys out there, or at least a lot of you, think that the ultimate expression of your sexuality is f**king a woman until she comes. But what you don’t seem to realize is that around 90% of women will not come through vaginal thrusting.

They will only come through clitoral stimulation. So the question arises – are you willing to find out how to stimulate her clitoris and indeed the whole of the vulval area, so that she reaches orgasm, without penetrating her? If you don’t, then it’s time for some lessons in female sexuality. As in, for example, leaning what will bring a woman to orgasm.

It isn’t that difficult to bring a woman off (i.e. make her come). You just have to know how.

If you really don’t know, just ask your partner what she would like, and listen attentively. And if that isn’t good enough, then ask her to show you, by using her own hand to bring herself off. You never know, you might learn something.

Above all else, don’t treat the next girl you meet like the last one you treated. Every woman is different, and every woman is likely to give you a different answer to the question, “what would please you in bed?”

3 Women Like To Have Sex

One painful truth that a lot of men can’t face is that while the idea of women “making love” and men “having sex” seems to fit their psyche, the reality might be that the majority of women actually want a good experience with a powerful and masculine man in bed who can raise their sexual expectations and desire to match his.

And then, having raised it, these women want to experience passionate and intense lovemaking. Now don’t get me wrong, I know there are women out there who are sweet and gentle and want wonderful lovemaking with eye contact and kisses.

But you can pretty much assume that in every goddess there is a Rati. And she needs something different. She needs to meet her Shiva. (If you find the idea of a truly sexual woman too frightening, then find another goddess who will do the same thing for you – bring you into your own masculinity. Tantra is good for this.)

4 Women Might Like Rough Sex

Again, a revolutionary idea – that women might be into hair pulling and spanking and so on. And of course they might not be, too. You just need to make a judgement, and maybe the way to find out is to ask her first what she’s in to. If you get it wrong, that’s probably the end of your relationship.

5 Noisy Sex Is OK!

How much noise do you make during sex? Do you keep it quiet? Well, what you need to do is make some sounds – grunt, yell, scream her name, whisper her name- but just do something.

Don’t sound off like a mating bull, but don’t remain completely silent. She needs to hear that you’re enjoying her, because part of her self-esteem comes from knowing that you’re turned on by her, that you can’t resist her, and that she has the ability to excite you and lead you to place beyond your ability to control your desire.

Maybe what she needs is to see you truly out of control – because of her sexuality. And another question is, do you know how to talk dirty to a woman while you’re having sex? Do you even know what dirty talk is? If not, how about using your imagination?

6 Women Like To See You Come

The basis of good sex is getting well away from the idea that women are all delicate sweet creatures who don’t know any rude words, and who will be surprised if you put a bit of energy into sex.

For example, women like to watch men orgasm (and vice versa). Or at least, most of them do. It’s an amazing symbol for a woman of how powerful her sexual control over you, your desire and your passion is – so don’t be surprised if she gets off on watching ejaculate. And don’t make any assumptions about the part of her body in which she wants it. (Ask her, dude.)

Of course there’s no question that trying to work out what women want can be confusing. Of course women are different.

Resolving this is all about being a man who can keep a woman safe, so that she doesn’t have to worry. Deep in the male genetic code is a desire to keep the woman safe, and deep in the female genetic code is a desire to be protected and held safe by a man.

When a woman feel safe secure and free, ensure that everything is going to be OK, she feels satisfied and happy. So a man has two critical jobs: reassuring a woman with his presence, making her feel safe, and knowing how to please a woman in bed. At least, that’s my theory.

better relationships

A Better Relationship

If you want to establish a better relationship, then it’s worthwhile investing in some of the techniques that can give you the information you might currently be lacking.

You see, establishing a better relationship isn’t just about knowing how to be a human being (you know that already!) – it’s about having specific skills of listening, communication, intimacy, interaction, empathy, non-verbal communication, and indeed a whole lot more.

These are the tools that allow people to get along together in a relationship satisfactorily – or even better than “satisfactorily”, perhaps allow people to get along in a relationship enjoying each other’s company and not judging each other or projecting stuff onto each other in a way that affects their intimate connection.

Now although that sounds like a challenge, and indeed, I’ve been accused of making relationships sound like hard work, my question to you is this: would you prefer to be alone for the rest of your life, or would you prefer to put in a certain amount of effort so you get into a relationship which is heartwarming and rewarding, and can fulfil all your personal and sexual needs?

I think when I put it like that the answer is obvious, isn’t it?

Yet most people never spend any time at all learning how to be in relationship in a way that can give them the deepest pleasure and satisfaction. Perhaps that’s because people are innately lazy, or perhaps it’s because people don’t actually know that they can learn how to be in relationship in a better way.

Whatever the cause of this, it’s worthwhile remarking on the fact that communication skills are not natural to the human being, because we are all brought up by parents who in their own turn were educated and brought up by people who didn’t have communication or empathy skills.

(I’ve heard it said that this is particularly true for the generations that went through a war – they came back from war traumatized and emotionally closed, thereby rendering the experience of their children as they were growing up similarly emotional closed and, perhaps in some ways, even emotionally deprived.)

Yet now we need is a generation of responsible citizens to break the cycle of abuse in denial and deprivation which has so affected the course of humanity throughout history….

And I know that because you’re looking at this website, which is titled “fear of being alone” you want something better for yourself than a standard relationship which is unsatisfactory and lacks genuine intimacy and communication.

Yet I also note the same time that you are probably the same as every human being I’ve ever met, which is to say, you don’t know how to establish a relationship of empathy and intimacy – and you basically need to be referred to some websites (or other sources of learning, of course) which can help you to understand what it is you don’t currently know about relationship – including your need to know to have a good one!

Well in my book, there’s no better way of preparing for a relationship than having a look at this website, which is indeed all about having a better relationship – on there you are going to see many techniques for intimacy and communication and establishing great connection.

Please don’t be misled by the fact that the website looks as though it’s built for people who want to know how to get their ex partner back after a breakup of relationship.

All of the information on that website is in fact highly relevant to anybody who is in relationship with another person or wants to be in relationship with another person.

You may be thinking at this stage that this is a rather mechanistic and perhaps slightly unromantic way of establishing good quality relationship.

My only response to that is to say that nothing in life that is worthwhile is gained by abdicating responsibility for making some effort to ensure that you get what you want, or that you are fully equipped to be able to do what you want within a relationship in the best possible way for all concerned.

So my other recommendation would be that you get some help with non-verbal communication, you get some help with intimacy and listening skills, and you then find a way of doing workshops with your partner which will help you to establish intimacy and mutual understanding without projecting your unresolved emotional issues onto each other.

Yes, perhaps this is unromantic, perhaps it is difficult, perhaps it’s even challenging – but as I said a moment ago, nothing in life that’s worthwhile is achieved without the investment of at least some time or energy.

And really, when you think about the rewards of friendship based on heart-to-heart connection, there’s no question that making the small amount of effort necessary to gain the skills you can use in relationship is highly worthwhile.

I might further add, that if you’re planning to have children, then you actually have a moral responsibility to find a way of being in relationship that is powerful and connected.

Children are invariably emotionally damaged by divorce, by break-up of relationship, or by abusive relationships, or even by relationships in which the expression of anger is unrestrained.

We as a human race have a lot of growing up to do, and you can be the person who starts to make a difference in your world, by learning the skills right here, right now.

All that is necessary for you to do is to make a commitment to change things, to change the way you’ve lived your life up to this point, and change the way in which you now relate to yourself, your family, your friends, your intimate partners and indeed the world, going forward from now on.

I do not want to put the burden of the guilt of all people who have gone before you, but what I do want to impress upon you that people who make a difference never understand fully the extent of the difference that they are making in the world.

By doing one small act of kindness a day, you can massively impact the quality of the world around you – and if you’re in a relationship, then one small act of kindness a day towards your partner can go a very long way to not only giving them a greater better experience life, but also make you a loving compassionate and intimately connected human being. (I also think that being fit and healthy is essential in having a great relationship. My own recommendation would be to enjoy a yoga class now and again.)