Category Archives: Fear of being alone

Fear of being alone, Fear of intimacy, Fear of sex

Relationship Advice

So among the questions on this website about what might turn a woman on, there’s one really critical question that’s not actually been answered so far: what is it that allows men and women to get together in relationship, without arguing or having emotional problems of some kind?

More to the point, what is it that allows a man to get together with a woman in a relationship that is mutually satisfying, rewarding, and emotionally fulfilling?

So if I was being cynical, I’d really sum this up by saying what is it that allows a woman to Capture a Man’s Heart, and Make Him Love Her Forever?

You see, we all know that women and men are different in how they think and feel, and in particular we know that women have what we might call a “romantic streak”, while men tend to be much more sexually driven. These are generalities, of course, but they do hold true for a great many people in life, and it’s always worth remembering that generalities tend to be based on real examples of human behaviour.

Now I don’t regard myself as particularly cynical, because I’ve written many websites on romance, love, sex, and intimacy, and so my objective has always been to try and develop information packages and to convey dating advice and relationship advice that will help men and women establish a worthwhile and satisfying relationship.

But it occurred to me recently that there’s a much more fundamental need for information on the Internet, about how men and women can get into a relationship in the first place.

Now, I said I was going to provide information that would enable a woman to capture a man’s heart and make him love her forever. But believe it or not, that actually is the name of a genuine Internet program offered as a relationship advice program for women.

I was so intrigued when I discovered it that I actually wrote a whole review site about it, giving you all the information you could possibly need about how and why it’s possible for programs that might seem manipulative to be of real benefit couples in establishing a relationship together.

You see, I think we’re all in thrall to the idea of romantic love, and I think one of the things that flows from that is the suggestion that man should meet woman, man should fall in love with woman, woman should fall in love with man, and all live happily ever after.

Work as a therapist and counselor shows me that actually nothing could be further from what really happens: men struggle to meet women, women are frightened of men, prospective couples never talk to each other, many relationships are based on misunderstanding, the pickup artist community rules the Internet, and we don’t all live happily ever after. So to get around the stupidity of many Internet review sites, in particular those reviewing Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.

And the lack of information and knowledge that so many people have about dating and relationships, I’m going to provide you with a genuine review of Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever and you can see this fantastic dating advice website here.

Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever is a program for women looking for a relationship with men, and its premise is that by providing information about male behaviour, emotions, thoughts and feelings, and explaining to women what it is that men really want, women will be better equipped to go out and get a relationship.

When you think about it, there’s nothing there that we can actually disagree with! Women like information about how men think and feel, and women want to know how to get over their difficulties in approaching men, because the conventional cultural standard is that women should wait to be pursued by men.

Yet men fear rejection to such an extent that this rarely happens! That’s really the true value of programs like Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever: they even out the discrepancy between the sexes by providing each sex with information about how the other thinks and feels, so that it really does become easier to capture each other’s hearts. Now whether or not you going to live romantically in love forever is another issue, but at least you have the best possible start….

Sidebar: Some months later: I do now have a little bit more to say about Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever — chiefly because I have discovered that it’s an extremely successful and popular program online with women.

What this says to me is that there’s a real shortage of good dating advice for women on the Internet.

That’s not meant to imply that capture his heart and make him love you forever isn’t a good program, because I believe that it is in fact an extremely good program — the fact of the matter is, however, that one of the reasons it sells so well is because there is very little competition of this quality.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you actually believe in the sexual stereotypes that underpin the writing of this program.

(And those sexual stereotypes are that: (1) women are searching for a long-term relationship with a man who will stay with them forever, and that they particularly want to marry that man and know that he cherishes and loves them above everyone else, and that (2) men are fickle creatures who need to have the thrill of the chase to excite them enough to want to enter into relationship with a woman, and even after they had done so, they still need to be stimulated in a similar way to maintain their interest.)

Sexual stereotypes are, after all, just what you make them: Bernie Zilbergeld spent a lot of time and effort demolishing sexual stereotypes and pointing out the myths that underpin many of our relationships, but I personally think he got this one wrong.

I think the truth of the matter is that men and women do behave in the ways described above, and that anything which enables men and women to attain a degree of freedom and choice whilst fulfilling their natural urges to relate to each other in those particular ways can only be a good thing.

This of course is where Mike Fiore and Claire Casey triumph above everyone else. They know, perhaps as no one else does, that establishing good relationships depends on particular forms, if you like, of interaction between men and women.

The secret of their success in writing Capture His Heart is to put down on paper the principles which seemed to underpin many of our relationships, and which certainly underpin good dating advice for women, but which are rarely acknowledged.

better relationships, calming anxiety, Fear of being alone, Fear of intimacy, Fear of sex

Overcome Fear Of Sex

We all want a wonderful sexual relationship

One of the wonderful things about intercourse is the union of mind and body that can come about when a couple are making love with an intimate heart to heart connection.

But one of the problems with an intimate heart to heart connection is that it’s not that easy to move beyond the techniques of sex when you’re concerned with whether or not your girl has an orgasm or how she’s feeling, or even if you are simply scared of making love.

And make no mistake about it, orgasm is a wonderful experience that can send the sexual energy surging through mind and body alike, passing around both partners’ bodies so that they achieve even greater spiritual union. This, in many ways, is the ultimate merging of two people into a unified whole. It involves the perceived loss of boundaries at the moment of orgasm.

But if you’re concerned with sex techniques that can bring this about, ironically you’re probably not in a frame of mind where the energy is just going to flow naturally, without inhibition.

What this means, therefore, is that you need a technique where you can actually make love to a partner without thinking about how you’re bringing her to orgasm, and just rely on the technique to make that happen while you enjoy intercourse.

Now you’ll observe that there are two corollaries to this. The first is that intimacy is something you are capable of enjoying. The second is that you have boundaries which are clear enough on a day to day basis to understand what it might be like to lose them. (And confident enough to engage so intimately with someone that you are wiling to take this chance.)

Exploring the shadow

Shadow work is a great way of exploring these profound issues of our humanity. Beyond the day to day manifestation of our personalities in the world lies a hidden area of the self: our shadow. this consists of the parts of ourselves which we hide, repress and deny. Mostly, we repress parts of ourselves due to some emotional wounding, which results in us hiding parts of ourselves out of sight. The best way to understand this is to think of the delicate, tender emotions of a child. So easily wounded, a child may come to adapt itself out of pain; the main aspects to such pain are the pain of rejection, the desire for acceptance, and the fear of not being loved.

But whatever parts of itself a child tucks away out of sight, they do not die. They go into shadow.

Shadow is the buzz word of modern psychology. We see all our fears and phobias as residing in shadow: that includes fear of intimacy. So a whole discipline of psychological therapy has grown up around the concept of shadow work. And those who practice it are shadow work facilitators.

So the question arises, as we move beyond the simple problem of fear of intimacy, or fear of being alone, or more accurately the fear of engaging with another human being in an intimate way….. “how can each of us most easily achieve intimate pleasure in an unpressured way?”

How, in other words, can we bond with another human being in the most intimate act of human union possible – sexual intercourse? The answer lies below.

The reality of sexual connection – the soul connection of sex

The coital alignment technique, or CAT, is a technique which relies on a different orientation of the male and the female body to that normally achieved during man on top or missionary position sex, oriented in such a way that the man’s penis moves in a more vertical direction than it would during conventional thrusting.

This up-and-down motion is actually a form of rocking on the pelvis of the woman, although she is rocking in synchrony with the man at the same time, so that the general area of her clitoris receives pressure from the man’s pubic area.

It’s this clitoral pressure rather than direct contact with the clitoris, (or direct contact between the penis and the G spot inside the vagina), that can bring a woman to orgasm during intercourse. Now, you might say, why not just manually stimulate the woman’s clitoris with your fingers as lovemaking proceeds conventionally?

And it’s very good question – I think in all the reviews of the coital  alignment technique I’ve seen, or indeed on websites devoted to enabling men to last longer in bed, I’ve never seen that specific question asked or answered.

But for me there’s something very romantic about being able to embrace your lover fully with your arms around her, or perhaps with your hands holding her head while you kiss her gently as lovemaking proceeds.

It’s a step in the right direction – the right direction being the stimulation of her genitals during intercourse so that she reaches orgasm during intercourse without use of masturbation or finger stimulation.

Not everybody finds the coital alignment technique easy to use – that’s certainly true; but on the other hand, those who master it find it to be a passport to sexual bliss, great fun and fantastic lovemaking.

If you feel you’d like to investigate new techniques for lovemaking you can do so on the links provided above, but what I should emphasize is that no sexual technique in isolation is a passport to sexual bliss – what you need for sexual bliss is probably more about the heart-to-heart connection that I referred to above.

From Yoga magazine.

Those of us who are spiritually inclined are even more acutely aware of how difficult it is to bring our spiritual values, our hearts, and our genitals into harmony. I’d meditated and practiced yoga for nearly a dozen years, reports one woman, but somehow I couldn’t bring the same depth and presence to my lovemaking. It was so hard to open up and let go. Or, as one man puts it, No matter how much meditation I was doing, as soon as Id become sexual, Id become a different person. All the old conditioning and anxiety would come back about how a man is supposed to behave.

Ironically, many of us have glimpsed the possibility that lovemaking can be a gateway to a higher state of consciousness. We may have had peak moments in sex when all sense of separation fell away. Or we may simply have the intuition that our sexual longings have a higher purpose. As George Feuerstein points out in his book Sacred Sexuality, sexual love is the most intense and tangible way that ordinary men and women strive for a union that transcends the boundaries of our everyday experience.

What a heart-to-heart connection looks like is the opening of the soul to receive and trust the other person with whom you’re making love: that trust is about not wounding, not abusing, not exploiting, and about allowing the other person “to be”… Yes, just to be to be who they are, to be what they are, to have whatever feelings arise for them and so on.

This is a very generous and openhearted place from which to make love, and there’s no question that the best sex certainly tends to come from and openhearted place.

Fear of being alone

Fear Of Being Alone Due To OBESITY!

Noted author and spiritual development guru Teal Swan thinks that the cause of obesity is fear – specifically, the fear of humiliation and shame.

But the truth of the matter is that humiliation and shame are not always root causes of fear: underneath them something else often lies – perhaps the feeling of not being good enough, perhaps the feeling of actually being bad.

It’s experiences like this which can lead to the feeling of shame and of being humiliated, but in fact although there is often a deeper root cause than that portrayed by Teal Swan, she is still probably right about the fact that fat is actually acting as a barrier between ourselves and what we are afraid of.

Now, when you take this a stage further, the sad thing is that most people who are afraid of humiliation and shame are also fundamentally afraid of the people who shamed them – or, to put it more exactly, they’re frightened of people.

And this means that if somebody becomes obese so as to have a “shield” (of fat) between themselves and other people, the cure for obesity may not lie in a diet or slimming programme, but in healing the emotional wounds which caused the shame and humiliation to build up in the first place.

Of course this is a really radical view which will not find acceptance among most people, who would like to ascribe their obesity – or at least being “somewhat overweight” (a way I’ve heard many obese people describe their condition) to eating the wrong food, or carbohydrate sensitivity, or their parents overfeeding them as children, or… You name it, I’ve heard it.

But essentially what they won’t admit or can’t recognize is that the deep shame and fear of humiliation or of other people they feel (again, to remind you, because other people are always the cause of shame and humiliation).

This fear lies deep down inside, and one cause of it is that people who are obese were often raised in an environment that condemned selfishness. In other words by “selfless” parents….

And people who behave “selflessly” are often extremely selfish in respect of their children’s needs and desires. So children who are raised in this kind of environment will feel taken advantage of, and ashamed for feeling taken advantage of !

This is Teal Swan’s logic, and I can’t say I disagree with it. The end result is that any relationships are so painful, these people may deposit fat, completely unconsciously of course, as a boundary; and this prevents somebody from connecting with other people – as Teal rightly says, fat becomes a boundary.

And the reason people choose a physical boundary rather than emotional boundary is because people in such a family environment often find that it’s not acceptable to be cold or mean: in the family environment, “that’s not what we do around here”…

So in essence people who are obese often grow up in an environment where they struggle to recognize their own wishes and desires, and operate on the assumption that they will achieve love through being “nice” and taking responsibility for the struggles and burdens other people have in their lives.

Of course anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of human nature knows that this is completely unrealistic, and you can never take responsibility for somebody else’s problems and solve all their difficulties.

The interesting thing about this emotional and physical dynamic is that people who only feel comfortable with giving and not receiving will not receive from others in their life – it’s a law of nature: if you only give, you never receive back.

What this means is that the fat not only acts as a shield or boundary from the shame and humiliation that other people might deposit upon them, but it also acts as a storehouse of energy which such obese people can use to protect themselves against the emotional demands and drains of other people.

Everyone is born with the potential to become a fully developed, fully spiritually realise person – but becoming fat, or obese, in response to your environment is a real reaction to emotional trauma that prevents such fulfillment of the personality.

Happily, as Teal rightly says, once somebody has obviated the need for a barrier between themselves in life, there is no longer a need for fat, and of course this is when people begin to actually successfully lose weight. They just happen to find the diet that works “for them”!

Now there may be other causes of obesity, indeed, I’m sure there are, but the point is that Teal is saying, quite rightly, obesity is a condition that originates in an emotional cause, not a physical cause.

I would say that at its essence obesity is an imbalance between a person’s existence and their right livelihood, or to be more exact, their right life.

So addressing the emotional problems and difficulties underlying obesity will allow people to lose weight. Until this happens, no matter how effective the diets they may try throughout their lives are, they will stay fat. Which means the real cure for obesity is in fact dealing with emotional issues that have led to the problems they now face.

If you’d like to read more about this, go and have a look at Teal’s blog, which is called “A Spiritual Catalyst” – she’s very good on these things, and she’s developed a unique style of expression which allows simple communication of complex issues.